Finding Healing in 'Why'

I pulled my knees in tighter as I sobbed as quietly as possible in the bathroom stall. This time I was in an airport. Not at work. Not in a store. Not in my car. I did not know the exact reason my heart felt so sad. I had just trapesed around The Netherlands and seen so many tulips full of beauty and life. My inner being somehow felt devoid of those things. Everything in me did not want to get on the plane and return to my flat. My heart cried for home, for my family, and for the safety there. I hadn’t felt safe since I had left my home in North Carolina. I didn’t understand this feeling either, I was in the United Kingdom not a war-torn country like I had been in before. Yet, I felt everything was dangerous and had panic attacks daily instead of an occasional once or twice a year. 

Next, the very human question that we all have asked between tears, sobs, and blowing our nose came out, “why…why God is this happening to me?”

I have uttered this so many times over the years. It is so painful to be in an emotional jail where you feel stuck, and you don’t know how things will get better. My friend Jeff and I call it ‘The Pit’. It's dark, lonely, small, and hard to get out of by yourself. 

This basic question we cry out with feels like the ultimate question. However, after the months that followed, I discovered it was the ultimate solution. When we ask ‘why’ we open the door for answers. The truest, best answers are never forthcoming (wouldn’t that be nice!). But the painful question - just like a wound - moves us into action, searching for healing. And healing doesn’t happen alone. 

This is why I want to share my imperfect progress to find healing with you. Once I left that bathroom stall the months that followed were hard. I was plagued with panic attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, morbid ideations, and questions about my faith. BUT my life was filled with amazing people who helped me find deep healing I had needed for years.

Many of these people shared their own stories of ‘why’ and the healing they found. It was through the connection, the shared burden, that I was able to find beauty and purpose in the pain. My hope is that sharing my story helps you know you are not alone and there is healing for you. All you have to do is simply ask ‘why’.

If you feel like living and sharing in this journey - and sharing your own - join me and let’s, find the “why” together.